Catch My Breath

This world keeps spinning faster... to a new disaster...

2010-07-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

Two hours later I had the entire cabin uncovered and dusted. One last task on my list, I went for the sweeper I had dug out of the hall closet. It didn't work of course, eleven years of neglect will do that. Ironically, the sweeper wasn't the only thing affected. My stomach growled and I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day. I drove straight through lunch and dinner, and I'd been working on the dust ever since. There was nothing in the cabinets worth eating. I don't think even peanut butter can keep for eleven years. I checked my cell and saw that I had an hour before the local market opened, so I decided to unpack and take a shower. It only took me about twenty minutes to hang my clothes in the closet and get the bed linens from the bathroom, so I decided that a long hot bath was in order.

Forty five minutes later, I pulled a pair of jeans and my favorite black sweater on. Quickly I shoved my hair into a ponytail and grabbed my keys. This was gonna have to be quick, I was exhausted. I drove to the market a little too fast, but there was no one else on the road so I told myself it wasn't that bad. Once I got inside the market I wished I'd taken the time to make a list. Grocery shopping on an empty stomach is a bad idea. I knew I was going to buy way more than I need. Oh well... At least I would be eating well, and I still had no idea how long I was staying at the cabin.

After stocking up on chicken breasts, beef, pasta and the freshest possible vegetables for a small mountain town in the dead of winter.. I decided that wine was needed. Lots of wine. I wound my way down the main aisle keeping my head down for the fear of being recognized. I knew it'd been eleven years, but the people here had become family to Mom and me. Small towns never forget you, either. I just really couldn't deal with it right now. The wine aisle was blissfully well stocked and varied. I knew I would be here for a while. I decided to grab several bottles now, since I really didn't want to come back here for a while. A moment later, however, I realized how bad it looked that the majority of my cart was filled with wine instead of food. In line at the only checkout open, I couldn't really back out now. Thankfully, the checkout was uneventful and devoid of any judgmental looks.

Loaded up in the car, I headed back to the cabin.. slowly this time since it was snowing steadily again. The town that was close to the cabin really wasn't that much. Just a main street square with an ancient courthouse in the middle. Mom told me when I was really young, that the courthouse had been built as a one room schoolhouse, but as the town grew they built a new school and kept the old one as a meeting place. Gradually it became their courthouse and the town still had weekly town meetings every Sunday after church... which was also held in the same building. It used to creep me out that this place was straight out of Little House on the Prairie.. but this time around it was comforting. Finally a place that didn't expect EVERYTHING from me. I pulled up the drive to the cabin then.. and noticed that there was a motorcycle parked in front.

The first thought through my mind was: who would drive a motorcycle up here in this weather? Then came the second thought: maybe I shouldn't have come up here alone....

When lies become the truth... that's when I run to you...

2010-04-15T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how long I cried.. maybe an hour? Felt like days. By the time I lifted my head from my knees the small mother had fallen asleep with her head next to my hand. Slowly I smoothed my hand from her ears to her tail, shocked that she was accepting me so easily. Needed to accomplish something, I stood up and went upstairs to find the old wicker basket Mom had always used for laundry. I found it in the bathroom closet, but the liner smelled of mildew and had years of dust on it. I grabbed a clean sheet from the shelf and headed back downstairs. Tossing the liner in the laundry room along the way, I knelt back down in front of my new cat and her kittens. "Ok. So I'm going to put this sheet in this basket, see?" I began tucking the sheet into the basket as I spoke to the cat, "And then maybe we can move you and your babies in here?" I don't know why I found it necessary to speak to her... I knew she wouldn't reply. Yet, it was too silent here.

I reached across the basket and gently touched the kitten nearest to me, then stopped. The cat just watched me, but she didn't ruffle her fur again so I picked the kitten up and placed it in the basket. She immediately stood up and walked up to my basket.. sniffing it and licking her kitten. I sat like that.. letting her check the basket out and wondering what she would do next. I was afraid she'd put the kitten back with the others. Miraculously she turned and picked up another kitten and laid it in the basket as well. I took the hint and went into the kitchen to let her finish the job. I would need some cat food.. but for the moment I began to dig into the cabinets. I found several cans of tuna since Mom swore the stuff would last for a good fifteen years. Taking a chance I cracked one open.. and it smelled fine. I took the can and a bowl of water back to my cat and she wolfed it down, emitting tiny growls that I took as a thank you. When she finished I moved the basket into the living room next to the fireplace. I didn't have firewood yet, but the hole in the closet was first on mh list so I left her with her kittens in search of nails and a hammer.

Outside I found a small 2X4 that I managed to nail over the hole. It wasn't spectacular.. but it would hold. It had to be around two in the morning at this point, but the cabin didn't have a furnace so I needed to cut firewood now. I walked around the side of the house where the cutting block was and was shocked to find the south wall of the cabin lined with wood. I knew that there wasn't any left the last year I was here.. and I was the owner of this cabin, so it confused (and scared) me who might have been staying here. Would they be back, and how would they react when they saw me? I stood there for a minute, wondering if I should call someone.. tell them where I am. It was then that I saw her. Across the yard, shining in the moonlight was a panther. I don't know when she walked up.. she never even made a sound. She stood out against the snow that I felt stupid for not noticing her before now. I just stared... there was nothing else I could do. Praying that she didn't see me was pointless, she was making direct eye contact with me. Then, suddenly, she turned and sauntered away.. like she could care less I was standing ten feet away.

My heart was pounding.. it was too much for me, firewood that had been cut and a panther that didn't kill me? I grabbed as many blocks of wood I could carry and ran back into the cabin. There was a soft meow from the fireplace and it occurred to me how lucky it was I had found the hole when I did. That hole had definitely been big enough for the panther's head....

Run from my past, I run too fast... Or too slow it seems...

2009-06-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep so I did the only thing that helps, clean. First came the white sheets, turned a dusty gray from years of protecting the furniture. The dark blue cushions on the couch and loveseat were just as I left them, clean and plush. Next came the old brown leather chair, I have no clue where my mother found this chair.. probably in a dumpster somewhere. But I had a fondness for it because I had spent many nights curled up in Mom's lap while we watched "I Love Lucy" when the storms outside kept us awake. I plopped down in the chair, snuggling deep down into the cracked, soft leather. I stayed there for a moment, trying to make it work, but after a couple of minutes I heaved myself out of the chair with a sigh... It just wasn't as comfy anymore...

I headed for the hall closet to dig out the old sweeper, which probably didn't work anymore. Still, it was worth a shot... I opened the door and leaned inside to pull the large and outdated sweeper from the clutter covered with dust. The sweeper came out easily but the cord was caught so I bravely stuck my hand back into the dark corner "I'm gonna grab the biggest freaking spider ever." I muttered to myself, "Can't believe I'm doing thi-AAHHHH!" Something large and fuzzy curled around my hand and I threw myself back, landing hard on my butt against the other wall. After I finally calmed down I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the large flashlight Mom had kept in the drawer "Always practical, Mom" I said as I slipped quietly up to the closet door. Pushing the coats and junk to the side, I shined the light into the back corner.. Ready to find something I didn't want to, but instead I found two large eyes shining at me. A small yellow cat with long fur (fur that was now standing on end) lay on one of my old flannel shirts, with six adorable kittens sleeping against her belly. She must have been terrified, because her eyes were unnaturally wide but she still never moved. I realized at that moment that I had grabbed her tail instead of the sweeper cord "Oh, sweetie!" I cooed at her as I crouched to get a better look "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! Wait.. How did you get in here?" I began looking all around the closet and found a small hole on the other end, leading out to the back deck. Great. At least it was a cat and not a rabid racoon...

Slowly and carefully, I began pulling everything out of the closet. I figured that the new mother would try to attack me, since I was so close to her young, but she eventually relaxed and I saw her hair smooth out as her eyes went half-closed. I kept talking to her the whole time, Mom had always said that wild animals are soothed by a calm voice. Of course, she was right once again. I got all of the junk out of the way and slowly crawled in to sit next to her. I had to figure out how to get them out of the closet so I could fix that hole. I knew she'd freak if I started hammering away right next to her. "Are you gonna be able to trust me, kitty?" I said softly as I held my hand out her her to sniff. She froze and her ears flicked back, but she bravely sniffed my hand all over. After she decided I was safe she pushed her little head against my hand and I rubbed all the way down her back. When she started to purr, I started to cry...

I run my life... Or is it running me?

2009-05-06T15:17:00.000-07:00

I was in the mountains then, the moon darting between trees and hills. A thought crossed my mind that it was probably good that I knew this road... Since I was still on autopilot. The two lane highway seemed too narrow for two cars as it wound it's way between trees and rock. The other side was a sheer drop down to a huge river. I finally found what I was looking for and turned off onto a gravel road, there was a huge wrought iron gate so I put my car in park and jumped out to open it. The key was where it always had been, hidden behind a loose brick in the large wall that disappeared in both directions. The lock hadn't been used in a long time, so it took a few tries to get the rusty key to turn without breaking. I put the lock and key in my coat pocket and shoved the gate hard, it slowly swung open and I climbed back in my car and drove through. The gravel road wound through the huge trees that had been lining the highway. It was so dark that I had to drive slower than normal. I finally broke through the trees at the top of the hill and parked. I hadn't been here in years.

After a few minutes I finally opened the door and climbed out of my car. From my back seat I pulled my two suitcases and threw my laptop bag over my shoulder. The large log cabin behind me was dark and empty, I knew it would be freezing inside as well. Not to mention the spiders, mice and other critters that I was going to have to run out... I turned and looked at the cabin while kicking the door of my car shut with my foot. Big sigh, straighten your back. You choose this place, don't complain. I started for the front door, dragging my suitcase on wheels behind me and up the wooden stairs. The second key attached to the tiny key ring hidden in the brick wall opened the door of the cabin. Thankfully it wasn't as rusted as the gate lock...

I pushed the door open with my back and wheeled my suitcase in the dark cabin. Blindly, I felt my way along the wall for the light switch and then flipped it on when I found it. The cabin was dusty... and smelly a little mildewed.. All the furniture had the same white sheets thrown over them that we threw on them when I last left this place. I remember Mom singing and trying to get me to cheer up. I always hated going back to the city. That was the same year she died, and I hadn't been back since. It's funny how the only place you love can become the place you hate so quickly. I never knew the story between her and my father.. I never asked. The first time I did she said he was dead and I left it alone. I knew that it was a mistake to try and find him.. I don't know why it mattered anyways. I justified trying to find a dead man by saying that I needed closure.. Needed to know who he was. I never dreamed that Kaycee would find him alive. Now everything hurt, and everything I knew was wrong. Why had Mom lied? Did I really want to know this man? Did he know about me? Had he hurt Mom in some way? Would knowing that I knew about my father kill Mom all over again? How was I going to deal with this? What was I thinking?

I run from hate... I run from prejudice, I run from pressimists, but I run too late....

2009-05-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

Her eyes were beautiful as they shimmered in the dim light of the moon. I couldn't look away, I don't believe I've ever seen anything more beautiful. I could see her breath as it came out in short, white bursts; her sleek, black sides heaving in and out quickly. I was terrified because I knew that this amazing creature could kill me just as I easily as I could blink. I was an idiot for even coming out here.. No one knew where I was, I was too far away from any houses to be heard if I screamed, and I was supposed to be on an airplane heading to India. No one would be looking for me for at least twenty four hours...

It started three hours ago. My panic, that is. I was loading up my car so I could drive myself to the airport. I was supposed to be leaving for India.. a trip I've been planning for most of my adult life. I stopped at the end of my driveway to get the mail and discovered a personally addressed envelope. Inside was a four-page, handwritten letter. The kind no one sends anymore. Curiousity forced me to read it while I was sitting in my car. What I read terrified, shocked, and thrilled me all at once. Kaycee had found my father... but he wasn't exactly the kind of father I'd been looking for.

So I drove to the airport, but I kept going. Past the first expressway that would take me to one set of parking garages... then past another... and finally past the third... I kept going. Never taking any exit, finally the interstate turned into a highway. I must have taken an exit somewhere without realizing it. I knew where I was, I knew where I was going, yet I was quite concious. Autopilot, just driving without thought or reaction. I don't even know if I was blinking. Kaycee had found my father... That was the only thing I was aware of, the only thought running through my mind. My surroundings seemed to melt, from shopping centers to houses, houses to farms, and finally farms to nature. It was getting dark now, how long had I been driving? Four hours? Five hours? I had no idea...

Every Once In A While...

2009-03-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

Haven't been on here in a while. I'm not so sure that I'm very good at this whole 'blogging' thing. But then again, who says what's good or bad? Doing a lot of changing in my life, trying to figure out what is really the best way for me to go from here.

I know that I made the right decision as far as changing my major goes.. But I feel like no one believes I can do it. I mean there are three or four people.. but everyone else just says "Do you know how hard it is to get into Vet School?" Even my own mother doesn't think I can do it. Not that she doesn't think I'm smart enough.. she just admitted she's afraid I won't make it and then what will I do?

I don't know what I'll do, honestly. Find a good job for a Biology Major and roll with it 'til I get in. With the way that our economy is turning at this point in time.. I think that it's the best way for me to go.. To own my own business. People will always need vet care. The cool thing is that Anthony has always wanted to be a vet.. the sad thing is that his whole life he's been told he's not smart or rich enough to go to school for it. So he's going to. Prove them wrong, I told him.

I AM worried. I won't lie. I'm horrible at Math.. and have no motivation to work hard in Chemistry. Both of which are essential for a Biology degree. But that was in high school... When I'd decided I didn't want to be a vet and knew I didn't need the classes. I'm still awful at Math.. but I've discovered that once I sit down and figure out what the HELL my teacher is talking about.. I GET it! I can do it just as well as the kid next to me. AND I feel AWESOME because I know that I had to work harder than the kid next to me but I did it and I'm JUST as good as he is.. It's like coming from nothing and being dirt poor.. but building an empire and making millions of dollars every week just by working hard.. The trust-fund kid on the plane to Cancun next to you didn't do a DAMN thing for his money but you did.. so you deserve it so much more. That's why I feel so good. Because I deserve my A so much more than that math whiz next to me, and I DID it.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna kick my own ass. It's gonna suck most days. Especially this semester because I have a Math Concepts class with a teacher who can barely speak English. Am I the only one who feels that to get a job that involves speaking a foreign language, you should have to take a Pronunciation class before you can get the job. Take the class and PASS... I mean.. If I was gonna go to Japan and teach a class at a university.. I should have to take a Japanese Pronunciation class. Just makes sense.. What would my students learn if they couldn't get past my atrocious accent???? But. I'm gonna suck it up and take the class anyways. I'm already ahead of the game. I went online to the teachers class website and printed off all his Powerpoint presentations. Talk about a lot of paper. But whatever.. it's essential and will help me pass. Thank God my boyfriend is a math genius...

Night all! XOXO

Down that snow covered road...

2009-01-22T08:03:00.000-08:00

The best thing about tonight is we're not fighting, Could it be that we had been this way before? I know you don't think that I am trying.. I know you're wearing thin down to the core..

The music came through the speakers and cut to the bone. I turned my car down a dark road and watched the snow covered trees slide past my windows. I'd never been here before, but it was achingly familiar. I should have been almost home, but I just kept driving. Turning down streets I knew would take me the wrong way, and not understanding why. Life was good, I didn't have any reason to feel the way that I did. Everything hurt; my heart ached, my muscles screamed, my stomach turned and twisted.

Don't make me change my mind, or I won't live to see another day. I swear it's true. Because a girl like you is impossible to find... you're impossible to find

The road in front of me twisted and turned, almost as though it would never end. Up ahead of me I saw it branch off to the right and disappear between narrow rows of trees. Instinctively, I quickly turned the wheel and followed the road. It seemed to never end. The snow softening the sound of my tires on the pavement. The trees were massive on each side of me, smothering me, causing a vile taste of panic to rise up in my throat. Suddenly the road gave way to gravel and the trees fanned out. It was foggy up ahead of me, making it impossible to see anything. So I stopped the car and put it in park. Listening to the silence and the radio.

So breathe so deep. Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep. And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap. And remember me tonight when your alseep. Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you. Over again... Don't make me change my mind or I won't live to see another day. I swear it's true.. Because a girl like you is impossible to find..

I couldn't bear it anymore. I flung the door open and scrambled out into the snow. Instantly my feet were wet, my capricious heels no match for the deep snow. It didn't matter, though, I couldn't feel the cold over the ache in my heart. I started walking, straight into the fog. It fell away the further I went, but closed up again behind me. I only knew where my car was because I could hear the incessant dinging indicating my car door was left open and the radio softly echoing behind me. The echo wouldn't leave me be, it clung to my back even though the fog had cut me off completely. The fog opened slipped away in front of me and there was an open field, covered in snow. The trees on the opposite side were just a solid black line rising up and down with the hills. Like some sadistic heart monitor in black and white...

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you, over again.. Don't make me change my mind, or I won't live to see another day. I swear it's true, because a girl like you is impossible to find... You're impossible to find.

May you find some comfort here...

2008-11-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

Spend all your time waiting.

For that second chance.

For that break that will make it okay.

There's always some reason.

To feel not good enough.

And it's hard at the end of the day.

I need some distraction.

Oh beautiful release.

Memories seep from my veins.

They may be empty.

And weightless and maybe,

I'll find some peace tonight.

In the arms of the angels...

Fly away..

From here..

From this dark, cold hotel room.

And the endlessness that you feel.

You are pulled from the wreckage.

Of your silent reverie.

You're in the arms of the angels...

May you find....

Some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line.

And everywhere you turn,

There's vulturs and theives at your back.

The storm keeps on twisting.

You keep on building the lies,

That you make up for all that you lack.

It don't make no difference.

Escaping one last time.

It's easier to believe,

In this sweet madness

Oh this glorious sadness,

That brings me to my knees.

In the arms of the angels...

Fly away...

From here...

From this dark, cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you feel.

You are pulled from the wreckage.

Of your silent reverie.

You're in the arms of the angels...

May you find...

Some comfort here...

Who goes there? Friend or foe?

2008-11-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."
- Samuel Johnston

Friend (n) - 1. A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

Synonyms: 1. comrade, chum, crony, confidante
2. backer, advocate
3. ally, associate, confrere, compatriot

Antonyms: Enemy. Foe.

My mother always told me that when I didn't understand something, to look it up. She'd answer my questions to an extent.. but in the end I always had to figure it out on my own. Whether it be how to spell "experience" (thanks, Mom) or what my heritage is. It didn't matter if I didn't understand the Pythagorean Theorem or if I knew where the constellation Cassiopeia was in the night sky. As long as I tried, as long as I did my research.. she was satisfied. My mother hated it when I asked her questions I could have answered on my own. When I did try, when I wasn't too lazy to 'look it up'.. she gladly answered my question if I still hadn't found the answer. And if she didn't know, she did the research with me. That's what you get when your mom is a librarian.

So now that I'm out of the house, living on my own, and making my own decisions... I am having to do some hard research.
"Mom, HOW do you make your cookies so soft!?"
"Daddy, how am I going to pay my bills?"
"Sissy? Do you have any old furniture I can borrow?"
"Mom, why do I keep doing it wrong....?"

They don't always have answers for me. They can't always help me.

They're there for me. But I have to answer my questions on my own now.

They can't help me when a long-time friend becomes my ultimate foe. My mother "told me so". And I know I should have listened to her in the beginning. But even she was a victim of deception. My father "is sorry". He wants to make it go away.. but that's not his job anymore. And try as he might, it's just not gonna happen. My siblings are all different. My sister laughs with me and allows me to be spitefully immature about it when I'm upset. My oldest brother is steady as a rock and shows me how to be strong. My other older brother just says "toughen up Elwood. You're better than her anyhow." And in his hard-ass, redneck way.. comforts me with tough love. Anthony tells me it's not my fault, lets me cry, and picks me back up each time I fall. Pretending he isn't tired of it.

You never really know a person. Scary, and sad. I thought I knew everything about 'my best friend'. And yet.. I always knew she was manipulative and deceitful. I was naive enough to think that I'd never receive the wrath of this side of her. I can promise, I won't be so sure next time.

What hurts me the most. I did everything I could to empower her as a person. When we became friends, she was broken, shy, self-deprecating in the worst way, and she let everyone she loved walk on her. I stood up for her. I gave her a reason to be proud of who she was. For years, I step in between her and those I cared about. Risking my relationship with them for her. Not caring how that person reacted to me, but how they responded to her. I could deal with my relationship later. I lost a lot of friends for that. More than I ever let her know.

So when she ditched me for a user (and abuser). It hurt. Big time. But, now that I see the real issue. I feel sorry for her. Yet, it's not my fault. I helped her the best I could. I believed in her with all my heart. She was the one who had to make it happen. And she fell short. I just didn't catch her this time, like she expected me to. Because how would she ever stand on her own if she continued to expect me to catch her every time. So she did the unthinkable, instead of getting up and acting like an adult (whether it be move on without me, or realize what I was doing and accept it), she decided to turn against me. She spread a rumor. An irreversible rumor. She put me in a position that people who didn't know better, would have a hard time believing me and the truth. Now, I'm not so immature as to get upset over a rumor. Rumors are just that.. immature. But this rumor was on that damaged someone I care about most. That's why she did it. I would indulge the rumor.. but then what point would I be proving? Plus laying the rumor out on the web would hurt that person more.. so why would I be that stupid?

Place yourself in this situation. The person you care most about, has had a hard upbringing. Whether it be abuse, or just tough luck. And then they fall into a rut. A bad rut.. one they finally get out of. But even though they are out of the rut, the feel that no one beleives in them. That unnacceptable behavior is what is expected. And then someone they trust starts a rumor.. a rumor of their worst fear. A rumor that this person thinks everyone expects from them. Even if it's not true. You can't fix that. And that is what bothers me so much. It wasn't me that was hurt. She hurt someone that cared about her so much. So now she's gone. Out of my life. And that's most likely the best place for her. Yet, I can't blame myself. I did everything I could. And I'm not the one enforcing this silent treatment. She knows that I will gladly speak with her, meet her somewhere, or just email her if she's willing to talk about it. But I'm not going back there. I'm not covering her mistakes and I'm not taking her excuses. This one is on her. She is the one who has to come to me. And I'm ready. I've forgiven and moved on. But until she's ready to explain to me why she did what she did or apologize, I don't want anything to do with her. I don't need that in my life. I can't be pulled down continuously by someone I'm trying to help.

In empowering her to stand up for herself. I let her walk all over me. And I won't do it again.

The link to our past, bridge to our future.

2008-10-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

My parents came to visit me this weekend! They just left for the three hour trip back to my hometown.
This was the first time for them to see my new place. I was such a mess this week, trying to get everything cleaned!!
I love it when my family is together.
My brother and sister-in-law now live here in Indy but I still don't see them as much as I'd like to. And I seem to be seeing less of my sister than I had earlier this year.
I wish we weren't all so busy!
What would we do without our family?
My family is so much fun.
We have every personality, and yet we're all alike in one way or another.
Every time we are together.. There are always laughs.
My favorite are the stupid laughs.

Because that's what family is for.

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.

2008-10-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Today in Sociology in Relationships we discussed Stress.
How ironic.
I'd like to quote my professor on a profound statement he made:

"Stress is caused from within. Not without" (Dr. Dovid Ofstein)

I've never really sat and thought about how stressed out I am. He asked us to participate in two different stress tests. In the first test there was a list of things that have happened to you during the previous year. These are both good and bad things. Each one has a point value and you're supposed to add it all up. Well.. My stress level was 498....

Yeah.
350+ points equals an 80% chance of getting sick in the near future.

The next test was a 10 question test of "how oftens." Like, "How often do you feel that you have control over personal problems?" And you were supposed to rate from 0(never) to 4(always). SO the test scoring range was from 0-40.

I scored a 29.
The website he used didn't have a scale describing which point value fell where so he just asked for our scores and he'd tell us where we stand. Well, one lady said she had a score of 5.. and he told her he was middle ranged. I laughed out loud and said "I have a friggen 29!" His reaction was this:

"WHAT?"

Yea....
He's not one that's easily swayed either.
There is another girl in this class that is pretty cool and she scored a 31..
SO I didn't feel so alone...
And yet, now I'm stressed out because of how high my stress level is.

All in all it was an entertaining and enjoyable class today (usually is). Yet I can't help but feel worried. At the end of class I felt relaxed. Dr. Ofstein had given me a lot of insight on how to cope with my stress and also gave us some stress management techniques. I was also comforted to know that most of my class (a class of 11) is at the same stress level as I am.

No..
I'm not saying being of high stress levels is a good thing.
But I'm sure you'll agree when I say this:
Misery loves company.

I can't help but be comforted to know that I am not alone.
Yet, as the day wore on..
I'm getting a little worried again.
Because of the discussion today, and because I've been thinking about the stress management stratagies... I've been thinking about all of my stress.
Meaning:
I've realized how many things I really am stressing about! I'm at an all time overload.
So.
My thought is this.
I need to put it all aside.
Quit thinking about "I'm stressed because of this.. and this.. and this.."
I need to think on the terms of "I'm stressed. Now I'm gonna fix it."

Stress Management Stratagies
1.Change your thinking: ANGER is the most dangerous emotion. So instead of saying "I'm pissed at that guy for cutting me off" try to turn it around. Maybe that guy has something going on with him.. so it has nothing to do with you. Yes, you almost wrecked your car.. But it happend and life goes on. Put it out and move on.
2. Exercise: We all know that exercise releases endorphins. Makes sense doesn't it? Best time to exercise? First thing in the morning. And you'll feel better all day
3. Sleep: That's my problem.. Even if I DO get enough sleep... It wasn't GOOD sleep. You have to try everything. Relaxation methods: deep breathing, warm baths, meditation, dark and quiet place.
4. Love: Isn't that true?
5. Religion and Spirituality: Keep in mind.. these are two different things. You can have one or both.
6. Biofeedback Treatment: Basically a medical way of releasing stress. There's all kinds of stuff out there.. Just not so sure I would recommend this method.. Last resort only.
7. Reach out to friends and family: I don't know how many people are almost incapable of this. Me most of all. I'm great for listening.. I love to be there for people, and my friends always know they can call me. But I'm definately not a person who can reach out and say "I'm stressed. Can we talk?" The worst part? I'm REALLY good at hiding my emotions. There are only three people in this world who have ever seen through it.
8. Be involved in multiple roles: Society used to portray that the male role was to go to work. That's it. The female role was to take care of the children and keep a house. Thankfully, in today's world.. this is changing. It's been proven that those to participate in more than one life role.. feel more accomplished. Stress doesn't really work when you feel accomplished.
9. Have a sense of humor: My favorite one of these. Laugh at yourself! It's ok! We all do stupid stuff.. we all have our moments... It's not worth stressing about for the next two weeks. If you fall flat on your face getting of the elevator.. Laugh about it!

I'll leave you with this. On the note of misery loves company:

"So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too." -Kathy Bates 'PS I Love You'

(this is the Holmes-Rahe Stress test I talked about)
http://www.stress-management.net/stress-test.htm

Stealing Virginity

2008-10-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hello all.
I have officially stolen my blog wall's viginity.
First off, I want to say that this blog is more something for boredom than anything else.
With that said.
I will try not to fill this blog with random boredness.. That can be irritating.
SO, obviously, my blog will not be devoted to one specific subject.
I'm a person of random nature and therefore.. my blog will be a material of random nature. :)

I love comments and questions.
They open up my discussion and allow debates.
(debating about stuff can be pretty entertaining)
I try my best not to judge.
However, I am human. And the point of a blog is to express my opinions so..
I am NOT a person that will hate you for your opinions though.
My outlook is this:
If you allow me the respect to express my opinion without getting mad AT me (you can be upset that I don't share your opinion, but don't degrade me as a person), I will do the same for you.
I can't stand people who express their opinion and then when I say that MY opinion conflicts..
They get angry and resort to nasty words about my character.
This is pretty hypocritical.
We are all different and we are ALL right.
Whether you agree with that or not.. that's your opinion.

I love to hear what people think.
I want to know your opinions.
I just ask that you treat me (and others) with the respect to express our opinions maturely.
And I ask that you do the same.
If you don't, I guess then you don't.
I'm not going to threaten you with not speaking to you or throwing those words back at you.
I might respond.. due to the fact that I DO have a temper.
And I do have the right to defend myself.
I just won't defend myself by telling you that your opinion is wrong.

Sorry. :)
I will step down from my soap box now.

I'm an easy going person.
Pretty hard to offend.
And I'm completely random.
My humor is ranged from immature to dry.
I'm obsessed with music, movies, animals, photography, and dancing.
My favorite artist is Vincent Van Gogh.
I'm a country girl, and damn proud.

Thanks for listening to my rants and raves.
I guess if you're interested to hear more, haha, leave me a note!